White Wave

The sun stretches out its light and warmly strokes her face invitingly. She fidgets slightly. Her legs stretch out slowly on the hard wood bench. Every plank feeling like knives in her back. The blanket creeps off her knees sliding it's way down her calves. She blinks tiredly, watching the sun making its way to its rightful place in the sky. A man walks past briskly, he seems to be heading somewhere. That, or her presence makes him uncomfortable, he picks up the pace on being aware of her gaze. She attempts a smile. Before the crease in her lips could complete the socially acceptable greeting, his presence disappears. It was always like this. She didn't know whether it was her appearance or actually who she was, she hadn't spoken with anyone for quite some time. Every time she attempted it, it seemed they had some prior arrangement to rush off to. Sometimes she would speak to herself. Create an alternate universe where she had many friends. Some of them were from different cultures and others were from alternate lives she'd lived. She always enjoyed the advice she'd get from her friends. Sometimes she'd even convince herself that they weren't a figure of her imagination. There were determining factors, examples where she had noticed information she couldn't possibly know. Then again, she didn't know who she really was, not even her first name. It was possible the stories she created were from her own life before she found herself a forgotten chess piece in society.

She woke up one day in a daze. The immense pain could be remembered like it was yesterday and she still had the bruises to imply the action had only just occurred. Her head was swimming with confusion. She remembered the way she stumbled out of that vehicle into the wilderness. Unable to even appreciate the smell of fresh air floating through her nostrils. She couldn't truly embrace the tranquility while her mind asked so many questions. 'Where was she?, who was she? Just what had happened?'

The words dribbled out of her mouth so desperately "ANYBODY!!? Somebody!? Please. I beg of you. Help me!" Nobody came. She waited for days. Staying by the car she kept herself alive with rations. For some reason she had food and water stored in her car. The assumption she came to was that her choices had led her to a desperate situation in her previous life. She wondered who she had been. Who she had loved. What she valued. She wondered if anyone missed her. Would anybody search for her. Or would she die here. After waiting impatiently in her smashed up vehicle for several sunsets, she decided to leave and find some answers herself. She packed a bag full of water, food, clothing and a blanket. The journey seemed to have no end in sight. Her legs knew no limits. Even though she wanted to stop, they just kept on moving. Every tree seemed to look the same. She wondered whether she was travelling in circles. After what seemed to be an eternity stuck in a fortress of dejavu she heard a voice that wasn't her own. It was only then, that her legs grew weak. It felt like an exercise in falling. Her legs had given out and although the fall happened in only moments her life flashed before her eyes.

She felt warm for the first time since she started this journey. Opening her eyes she remembers this feeling. It's a bed. The soft mattress feels like a dream. There's a shadow standing in the door way. She can hear his breathe, feel his gaze. She only manages a gasp as he makes his way abruptly towards her. He grabs her without saying a word and holds her down. His hand makes his way into the draw directly next to the bed. He shuffles around searching for something insistently. She struggles while looking him in the eyes fearfully. He smiles pulling the cloth from the left open draw. She screams saying "Let go of me. Please don't hurt me!" His eyebrows raise in an uncomfortable manner as he bursts out laughing. She feels it's a rather out of place response still struggling to break free from his grasp. He pushes her to the bed. Using his strength to pin her down. It's more than she can bear and the tears begin to flow from her now wide eyes. His face presents agitation. "Stop moving, I'm trying to heal your wounds" he manages to grumble. Her limbs flop as she begins to understand she may have misinterpreted the situation. He wraps her arm up in the home made bandage. He's gentle and kind to her with his gaze now. She wonders if he gets many visitors all the way out here in the Forrest. He interrupts her thoughts with a tight pull of the cloth as his fingers make a knot. "Ouch!!" she spurts out. "Oh, uh. Sorry about that" he responds awkwardly. She begins to fixate on him. He had a rugged unkept look to him, but she was just beginning to see there was slight sensitivity under all that grease and hair. "I'll uh get you some food" he announced making his way out of the room.

He came back with what looked to be some kind of meat. Her face must have given her away as he quickly mentioned "My wife used to do all the cooking. But uh. Anyway just eat if you're hungry." She felt a sadness in his eyes at mentioning his wife. A smile parted on her lips as she stared at him "No no, this is great. Thank you so much." He gave a nod upon exiting the room once more.

Days went by and it was the same every time. Small conversation and awkward smiles that led to awkward gestures. He never tried to ask about why she was here or when she was leaving. She actually thought he might have liked her company. One day he approached her with a different look on his face. It wasn't the usual uncomfortable, uneasy expression she was used to. Sitting down next to her he started to say something, but then stopped. It seemed very difficult for him to say what he was certainly happy about moments before. "Would you, uh. How about I. Uh we. Uh never mind. I'll go make you some food yeah" she grabbed his arm "No please, continue" he stopped, turning with tears welling in his eyes "I'll take you into town today." She felt a rush of excitement. Maybe, just maybe she might get some answers. Responding quickly "I would love to thank you. You've done a lot for someone you don't know. You never asked questions, or made me feel unwelcome. You gave me medical attention. I can't thank you enough. Oh, what is your name? I must know." The tears that appeared to have ceased ran down his rugged cheeks once more "I am bill and you are my dear?" She tried to remember the flashes of her life that whizzed in her mind the day she had lost consciousness in the woods. "Uh I'm. I'm. I'm" she didn't know what to say. The flashes she got of her life didn't say who she was, what she was. They didn't say anything. Just that she liked nature. She liked the beach. That's all she saw. Sunsets, green cliffs, trees with sturdy branches and the waves rolling into a golden sandy beach.

He placed his hand on hers "A name is chosen at birth, but there are no rules to say a name can not be chosen again. Would you like me to choose a name for you dear?" She nodded. Fighting back the tears. He smiled still gripping her hand fiercely "You shall be called Una. It means white wave." A rush swooped over her. She wasn't sure what it meant, but it was nice. Someone knew her name. Whether it really made her valuable in the world, somebody. She didn't know, but it was better than the white noise that presented itself when she tried to remember her birth name. Una felt nice. Plus she knew her old self loved the ocean. She looked at him filled with emotion "Can you please take me to the beach?" He removed his hand from hers and walked away quickly. Heading into the room she had stayed in. Shortly after he came out with her back back and struggling with a smile. "Lets go."

On the drive he pointed out interesting sites. He seemed very eager to get to the beach, but also seemed to be enjoying the scenery just as much. She focused on the birds. The noises from the beautiful scenery she was engulfed in. Until finally, they were gone. The trees began to disappear and a different noise started to fill her ears. It was civilisation. She was excited to see the water. She knew that it wasn't her first time, but she couldn't remember what it was like before. So I'm her mind it would be the first time feeling the sand between her toes. The drive seemed to take awhile and eventually the overwhelming buzzing of noise got a little easier to deal with. She saw it. It was blue as the day was bright. The car pulled in to the parking spot and he looked at her rather awkwardly before opening his car door. "Okay. This is it." He seemed like there was something he wanted to say, but he refrained. "You know where I am. Come back if you remember." He stated coldly. He then got into the car and drove away. She didn't even have a chance to thank him for the last time. She felt at home at the beach. She wanted to stay there, so she did. She had no sense of time, only the sunsets to gage on what a day was. As the weeks rolled on, they turned to months. She found ways to make money by begging on the boardwalk. No one ever spoke to her, they only ever dropped money in the hat and continued about their lives. She was thankful although she was afraid she didn't even know how to be socially appropriate anymore. She wondered if her old self had been.

One day, it was a day like any other. She had woken up on the bench she called home. With the waves as her alarm. Someone approached her. They looked somewhat happy. Perhaps she would finally get that conversation she craved. She sat up waiting, anticipating for the human interaction that she thought was certain to ease her sanity. He looked st her strangely as he grew closer. "Una? Una is that you?" She was confused. Had she had a conversation she had forgotten about. "Yes. My name is Una. How do you know me by that name?" The man tapped her on the shoulder in a friendly manner "Geezuz! What the hell are you doing out here?" She stared at him not loosing his gaze. "Who are you!?" She managed to mutter. He looked rather offended. "Una!!? C'mon sweetheart. We dated back in college luv. You don't have to be so cold." She nodded "Oh right. We did, yes sure. The college of, where was that again?" He looked surprised "Are you alright?" Beginning to get agitated she stated "No! I'm not. Can't you tell?" He continued with patting her on the shoulder "Look what do you need? We go way back, you in a tough spot?" Her body moved without her thinking. Wrapping her arms around him. The tears flowed readily down her face "Please help me. I don't know who I am?" He looked a little shocked. "Oh right. Uh look I'll take you to lunch we can talk alright." She thanked him and continued to the nearest cafe. They talked about what a radical hippy she had been in college and how she wanted to save the world. They talked until the cafe staff had to inform them they were closing for the day. She asked him if he could help her. If he knew anyone from her current life. He thought about it for a moment "You seen your mum and dad?" She said "No. do you know where I can find them" he gave me their names and suddenly it dawned on me. Suddenly I had the answer I needed. I asked him if he could take me somewhere. He was polite "I really do have to get going home, I've got a wife and kids now days. My wife worries if I'm not home by dinner time. Starts harassing me with phone calls." She couldn't hold it in any longer and finally broke down. Hearing about her old self was hard, but knowing what she had to do and not being able to fix the mistakes she had made was worse. He placed his hand on her shoulder "Alright, alright. Please don't cry. I'll call my wife yeah. I'll take you where you want to go."

The car ride seemed to take longer than she'd anticipated. Finally things started to look familiar. As she took those steps towards that door she was petrified of what her parents would say. She waved to her old college boyfriend and proceeded to the door. The clunk of the door seemed so nerve wracking to take in. She heard a voice "Coming." The door opened. She smiled. "Dad." He smiled as he pulled her in "So you remembered Una?" She shook her head "No, but I didn't want to run away anymore. Dad, tell me who I was? Why didn't you tell me? All that time you were caring for me. Why didn't you just tell me?" His cheeks sunk "I'm sorry dear, I wanted you to find your way on your own. After your mother died you went on a hiking retreat to help with the healing process. You had an accident, suffering severe memory loss. I had tried and tried to get through to you. So many times you would run away through the night. You were afraid of me every time I tried to touch you or tell you I loved you. You didn't know me. I was a stranger. I finally decided if you ran away again I was going to be a stranger. I was going to be the best father I could be and let you live your life happily without fear. Without me. I had lost your mother already I didn't want to live a life where I watched you suffer too. So I chose to let you be free and if you came back to me then I would tell why and hopefully you'd forgive a foolish old man for doing what he thought was right. I suppose I blamed myself for your mother's death. For your accident. For not being able to bring you back to me."

Her cheeks were soaking in tears by this point. "I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. As your white wave. As your call to help ease the burden that I was evidently putting on you. I may not be the daughter that you raised, but I appreciate you letting me find myself. It must have been hard driving away that day at the beach." His head sunk to the ground "It was nearly as hard as burying your mother my dear. I'm just glad to have you home. I hope we can work on creating new memories to replace the life you lost. If you'll let me be your dad again?" She stared at him "So this is what love feels like. It's so familiar, I can't believe I ever let myself forget. You were always my dad, you just let me take the reigns for awhile"